Shadetree Theology

Thank you, Senator

2012-01-24T12:28:00.000-08:00

Senator Mary Margaret Haugen of Washington State was the crucial 25th vote required to pass Senate Bill 6239, which will allow same-sex partners to marry in that state. What made her decision so amazing, however, is that Sen. Haugen personally believes that marriage should be between one man and one woman. In coming to her decision, she released this statement:

"For me personally, I have always believed in traditional marriage between a man and a woman. That is what I believe, to this day. But this issue isn’t about just what I believe. It’s about respecting others, including people who may believe differently than I. It’s about whether everyone has the same opportunities for love and companionship and family and security that I have enjoyed."

In many ways, that statement means more coming from Sen. Haugen, than supportive words coming from someone who has no personal issues with same-sex marriage. Like Sen. Haugen, most of my family, old friends, past mentors, and pastors have issues with same-sex relationships...and they have been sure to let me know. None of them have acknowledged that I should receive respect as a gay man or that my committed relationship is valid. And, if presented with evidence supporting same-sex marriage, I have never received any other response from these folks other than, "Just because...it's just wrong". When I was trying very hard to change and deny my same-sex attractions, I used that same argument. I don't let myself form strong opinions based on the "just because" argument anymore. If that is my reasoning for something, I stop and take a long look inside before forming any bias...and I certainly won't condemn anyone based on such weak reasoning.

Jesus was labeled a heretic by the religious leaders of his day. One reason was because he interpreted Scripture and applied it in non-traditional ways. Jesus showed the heart of God by teaching the "why" that exists behind the law. As a result, Scripture became alive...no longer simply a list of do's and dont's but a guide to be applied and viewed through the lenses of reason and experience. Sen. Haugen seems to understand that, and she not only recognizes that there are different beliefs than hers, she respects those beliefs.

I live at nearly the opposite end of the country from Sen. Haugen, and her vote doesn't directly affect my rights here. But I wanted to let her know how much it meant to me. Here's the short thank you note I sent her office this afternoon:

"Your statement is popping up on folk's Facebook and Twitter feeds here in the South. We live in an area of the country where politicians repeatedly legislate their religious beliefs into law, irregardless of its affect on any given minority. In an environment of increasing polarization between the right and the left, it's refreshing to come across a voice of moderation from a devout Christian such as yourself. If only all politicians could put their ideologies aside, and legislate according to what's fair and just...not according to religious bias. Even though your vote directly affects loving committed partners in Washington state, it gives a little more self-respect and validation to those of us living elsewhere...many of whom tried very hard for a long time to be "traditional" and "normal", but weren't able to change who they loved. Thank you so very much. I wish I could vote for you."

Gay Rights

2012-01-18T10:44:00.000-08:00

"Gay rights isn't about people having the right to act on their sexual desires, it's about people having the right to not be afraid of who they are." -T.N.

For the Love of Bullshit

2011-09-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

You know, evangelicals and charismatics are trying desperately to change their judgmental image. Books, movies, conferences...all on how to show the love. It seems like the seeker-friendly church is continually reinventing itself. But, regardless, they just can't seem to shake that ugly connotation. Some of the faithful may say it's because the world will always hate the church "cause that's what the Good Book says". But I think the reason most can't seem to shake a judgmental image is because, regardless of how they dress it up, they're still saying "I'm right and you're wrong".

As someone who has really taken a beating from the church over the past three years, may I offer some constructive criticism based on my own experience? Stop loving sinners and backsliders in hopes that they will "come around". People are not homework projects. Personally, I don't want to be loved into changing...I just want to be loved. Love with agendas is bullshit. And when I sense bullshit, I turn and run the other way.

The aggravating thing is that the evangelical church knows this. But instead of turning inward and learning to love without agendas, they invent new outreach techniques that better disguise their agendas. Eventually folks figure it out...some folks will sense it immediately, others like myself may take years, still others a lifetime. What I've found, and what I think history confirms, is that those who have the biggest impact for God are those who learn to love just for the sake of love.

Moving On

2011-08-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

"Be thankful for those who disown you; they teach you how to own yourself." -Randy Roberts Potts

My Collection of Lifestyle Disapproval Letters is Growing...

2011-08-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

(drawing by David Hayward: www.nakedpastor.com) I got another "lifestyle disapproval letter" today from an old friend I hadn't heard from in a while. I haven't a clue as to what people have said about me, or how many people have taken it upon themselves to out me and tell my story for me. But I am learning, with some difficulty, not to care.

I have found that when contacting me, many of my old religious mentors respond, strangely, in very similar ways. It's like they want closure (and perhaps I do, too). I don't know why they feel a need to tell me they disagree with me or don't approve of my "lifestyle" (especially since I don't ask them for their approval). Do they not remember that I was once an ordained minister and pastor in their church? That for years I sat under the same teaching they did, which was often peppered with anti-gay rhetoric and prejudice? My own mother doesn't affirm me as a gay man, why would I think they would? Yet despite the obvious, folks feel a need to let me know that I've made a bad choice and I'm wrong (and, consequently, they are right because the Bible says they are)...but they're sure to also tell me they love me.

I'm only now coming to a place where I can dialogue with old religious friends and maintain somewhat of a clear head. I say dialogue, but monologue may be a more appropriate word because regardless of what I say or share, most folk's minds are made up. I have become very accustomed, almost numb, to what I call the "I love you, but" message. I love you, but I disapprove of your "lifestyle"...I love you, but you will go to hell if you don't repent, etc... It started on the first day after all this went down...when in that fragile moment right after I came out, my own sister (barely a Christian in her own right), immediately responded by letting me know she would never approve of me. There were no family or friends that responded with unconditional love...no one took me in without a scolding or a prophetic correction.

I sold out and invested over a decade of my life into the evangelical Christian lifestyle only to be abandoned by those who adhere to that lifestyle when I needed them most. During those first months after coming out I saw the darker side of the evangelical church: rejection, cold-heartedness, and prejudice...and I no longer wanted anything to do with it. I turned to strangers for comfort and to the gay community for acceptance. In those months, I learned why the gay community feels such a drive to rebel and lash out. Ironically, it is the rejection of conservative society and especially the evangelical Christian church that pushes these young men and women further away from God and into a lifestyle that Christians then use to condemn and reject them even more. It is a sad, vicious spiral that leads to the spiritual, emotional, and sometimes physical death of so many. I think this is an appropriate time to use a sad-face emoticon :-(

But, in the end, I'm going to try to find the good in spite of the bad. Randy Roberts Potts' message (shared in my last post) reminds me that we can all be victims of mendacity...deception fueled by the hope that things can be made "right". It's hard to really dislike people who inadvertently hurt (or even who purposely hurt) others because they believe they're doing the right thing. It helps me see through their hurtful words and actions, to their humanity. In the lifestyle disapproval letter I received today, his reproof was prefaced with this: "There is a clear danger in embracing a lifestyle or belief that departs from the tenets of faith found in the Word of God, in the name of not living a lie." What a great example of mendacity; even if it means living a lie and/or being disingenuous, don't depart from [my interpretation of] the Bible. I guess he just wants things to be better...to be put right...and who doesn't want that?

Inspiring Forgiveness

2011-08-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

If you've ever believed so hard...or hoped so hard...or wanted things to be "right" so much that you lost touch, and you ended up getting burned and bitter with those who led you down that path...watch this.

For those of us hurt by the evangelical church...

Thanks, Randy, for making it a little easier to forgive.

This is a long clip, but for some, I couldn't imagine a better use of time.

Eating my cake, too

2011-08-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

to be humble but not insecure.
to forgive and forget.
to be anxious for nothing.

to share my thoughts but keep my pearls.
to see the good in spite of the bad.
to see the bad in spite of the good.

to love what I do but not be it.
to not care.
to empathize.

to be giving but not give-out.
to love someone deeply.
to love myself deeply.

to forget religion but not God.
to doubt.
to know.

to be passionate but not obsessive.
to grieve.
to move on.

to realize it's not all about me...but it is a little.
to live the cliches.
to enjoy the ride.

Reserving Judgement...a Matter of Infinite Hope

2011-04-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

"If anyone hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge that person. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world." Jesus spoke this during Passion Week...the days between His arrival to Jerusalem and His crucifixion. He went on to explain that He didn't come to judge, but that eventually His words (given to Him from the Father) would do just that.

To this day...nearly two years after coming out to my wife and our subsequent seperation, I still struggle with who I really am...and wonder if hope and illusion interfere with my ability to process who I am. And if it does, is that all bad?

There are nights in bed when I focus intently on my selfishness, my shortcomings, and the pain I have caused...and I pass judgement on myself. It can be a good thing to take a sobering look at ourselves (although the frequency and intensity at which I do it most likely is not a good thing). But the truth is we are all complex; a mix of good and evil. I think it is a sign of maturity to recognize that paradox...and embrace it.

Last night, my little boy came to me with this picture he had found.

It's a picture I'm familiar with. It's a theme I'm familiar with...but hadn't thought much about lately. My son reminded me, on accident.

As honestly and intently as he could, he looked at me and asked "daddy, is this you Jesus is holding?" I laughed, then stopped as old feelings came rushing back..."yeah, it is" I thought to myself...then I responded aloud "yeah, it does kinda look like me, huh? Nah, that's not me."

I was reminded about forgiveness...about Jesus' hope in humanity...in me. Yeah, the old religious thoughts came rushing back and muddied up the water, too ("you're gay and this moment is God warning you to turn from your ways"). But despite religion, the true spirit of the moment prevailed...that I'm not judged...that Christ's hope in me is infinite...and because of that, I'm free to be the man I am. I love knowing that the Spirit of Christ is there...hoping...routing for me and humanity through all our complexity and perceived failures.

Giving up church for Lent

2011-03-08T14:36:00.000-08:00

I complain often about what's wrong with the church. In my rantings I've made some radical declarations such as: clergy shouldn't be paid; churches should be kept small; churches shouldn't have mission statements; churches should meet in homes to keep overhead low; etc... I realize that these are my preferences and that I'd be arrogant to insist that this is the way God wants it.

A couple weeks ago, I went to a committee meeting after church...which was a mistake. Given my history, I should know to avoid church committees like the plague. The meeting went like most church committee meetings do...it was off topic, too long, and didn't accomplish much. I let my frustrations come out in the meeting and ended up commandeering the meeting a time or two. I felt a little like an ass afterwards. That was three weeks ago, and I've found reasons not to go back to church since.

Today I was on a website...a life-skills-for-dummies website...and I came across an article about changing your negative beliefs, i.e. those beliefs we hold onto that are linked to our unhappiness and/or self-destructive behaviors. One thing it pointed out (and I guess anyone who watches Oprah or Dr. Phil would already know this) is that one needs to take things that they constantly complain about and turn inward to find out why it bothers them so much. Supposedly, if you are constantly complaining about something, there's something going on inside that you need to address. So in light of this, I'm going to give up church for Lent. And instead, I'm going to spend some daily time meditating about it.

I'll still look for some non-churchy functions to attend...at some folks houses or what have you. But for the most part, no church til Easter. And it is just a coincidence that this corresponds with March Madness.

Yes...Gay People are Sinners, Just Like You

2011-02-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

Gay = promiscuous, so they say (or insinuate). I hate this correlation. Why? Because promiscuity is so damn destructive and I don't want to be associated with it. Some people, myself included, hypothesize that promiscuity is greater in the gay dating world than in the straight dating world because the "brakes" in the relationship, the woman, is absent. So, promiscuity among gay men is apparently more common and typical, but like most stereotypes, it's not a fair label to place on every gay man. There is a difference between the two. Being promiscuous is a lifestyle; being gay is an orientation . One is changeable, the other is not.

In my mind there's little doubt that promiscuity hurts people and is sinful. But, for over a year now I have pondered what some of the things are that push someone into a lifestyle of promiscuity. I'm going to revisit a topic that I spent a lot of time on back in February of 2010...one which began with a post on nakedpastor.com about Lonnie Frisbee. Lonnie was one of the founders of the Vineyard Christian movement who was gay, tried very hard to change, and ended up dying of AIDS. As Vineyard pastor Frank Emmanuel said about Lonnie “I can’t help thinking of how culturally bound he was – for Lonnie being openly gay was not an option.” The Church didn’t give Lonnie the opportunity to express his sexuality openly and in a healthy manner. Repression leads to guilt which leads to sin (in this case, sexual indiscretion) which leads to shame and more repression…it’s a vicious cycle. Accepting people as they are and for who they are can break this cycle. When the church lets people know that it’s ok to be authentic…to be gay in this case…then they can encourage healthy expression of their sexuality through loving, monogamous relationships.

In the year since I jumped into this debate, however, I have run across what I think is a different reason for rampant promiscuity in the gay community. As presented above, at first I only focused on the "we-are-all-filthy-creatures-who-need-Jesus" reason to explain why so many gay men with Christian backgrounds end up being promiscuous; wherein I came to a conclusion that having that mentality often leads to two destructive outcomes. One outcome of this guilt-ridden mentality is that we try as much as possible to surrender to God's will (or what we believe His will to be) knowing that, because we are filthy and helpless, only God can clean us up. And He can only clean us up if we let Him. So we try and try to surrender...we read the Bible, and go to church, and stop watching bad movies, and stop listening to music with cuss words in it, and, most importantly, we pray. Our prayers are often laden with confessions of our filthiness and fleshly desires. "Change me," we cry. "Give me a clean heart." "Purify me." The latent self-righteousness and ego-centrism of those prayers is buried beneath heaps of false humility. And eventually that is the exact result of these types of prayers: Self-righteousness and ego-centrist mentalities. The other result of the guilty mentality is that since we're helpless and it's up to God to change us, we decide to just give up and keep doing whatever we want. This also leads to destructive sinful behavior. Ultimately the lesson I take from this is that the "we-are-all-filthy-creatures-who-need-Jesus" mentality a'int gonna change folks. Self-loathing and hatred of sin just leads to neuroticism (I talked more about that here) and doing whatever I want just leads to emptiness and destruction.

So the other reason for promiscuity among gay men that I've run across recently is...denial. From one extreme; a denial of who we are, to another extreme; a denial that we are sinful. We may deny that there is nothing inherently strange about same-sex relationships (nor that they present difficulties and hurdles to success that are not present in "normal" heterosexual relationships). We may deny that we desire to be with multiple partners...tell ourselves that what we want is monogamy (when, if we were honest with ourselves, monogamy is not what we want). I've listed some forms of denial here but please understand, I'm not trying to say that one way is right or wrong. Each person has to decide that for themselves. And besides, if you truly, deep-down, honestly believe that absolutely nothing is wrong with your sexual desires and/or expression then it wouldn't be denial...see what I mean? But if you are in denial, regardless of what the source of the denial is...it can lead to repression and destructive behavior (such as promiscuity).

Dear Lord, I don't have it all figured out. This is just an observation (mostly from self-reflection and from discussions with other folks). It's a new journey in authenticity for me...trying to figure out what I truly believe and want. The funny thing that I've figured out in all this is that coming out was just a very small step towards authenticity. I would say that I'm just barely more in touch with myself now than I was before I came out...and there's a long ways to go yet.

Gay Pride is Queer

2011-01-21T10:29:00.000-08:00

Gay pride is a peculiar thing to me. I have struggled to understand it as a positive thing, especially within a Christian context. I recently ran across an article by a gay Metropolitan Community Church minister which attempted to do just that. It was quite a weak argument in my mind and it even felt a little cheap. Often, as I have attempted to understand my sexuality within the framework of my Christian faith, I have felt this way…like a cheap whore (excuse my candor). This, I think, is often the message of "godly" people…that you prostitute the Faith -cheapen it- when you interpret it in such a way as to make your life acceptable to God. We do it, some might say, to make life easier or more bearable through easing our conscience. I once used to say, in my days as an evangelical minister, pride is the first and last stop in the sin cycle: PRide→sin→shame→sIn→acceptance→sin→priDE.

To those who come from a less religious or a non-evangelical background, this concept of a “sin cycle” may not make much sense. Let me try to explain the premise behind it. Because of innate pride, we rebel against God, which is sin. At first we are ashamed of our rebellion/sin and, as a result, often suppress it and conceal it. As we continue to sin and find ourselves unable to overcome, we accept it as a condition of our existence in an effort to try and live at peace with ourselves. We may then, often because we are unable to accept that we are flawed, convince ourselves that it is a good thing…a gift that God placed in us. This requires a change (either a tweaking or complete annihilation) of our understanding of God and what is good. Next, in light of others telling us we have deceived ourselves, we rebel and shout out that what we do is good. Notice that pride permeates the whole cycle…the inability to reveal and confess our sin, the inability to accept something innate as displeasing to God…all comes from pride. In the Christian lexicon, pride is indeed the greatest of sins.

This way of thinking still haunts me…a lingering fear that I have started down a slippery slope that ultimately leads to complete debauchery, deception, and separation from God. For decades I hid my sexual orientation towards the same sex - confessed it only in part and only to a few. I fought it and did what I could to overcome…but failed. My pride would not allow me to accept that I was fundamentally flawed, so I tried to re-interpret what I knew about God and tell myself that being gay, specifically loving someone of the same sex like a straight person loves someone of the opposite sex, is acceptable to God and by extension acceptable to me. And the next logical and final step in the sin cycle? Gay Pride. To flaunt my so-called sin and rub it in the faces of those who believe me to be deceived (I acknowledge flaunting to be a highly relative term).

I know first-hand the dreadfulness of self-hatred. But I don’t understand why making a public spectacle of my orientation, why marching and holding up traffic, is supposed to somehow redeem me from low self-esteem. Especially when considering that holding others in higher esteem than oneself is supposed to be a virtue. It’s all just a little queer, I guess. But if the "slippery slope" fear is true, then I guess it’s just inevitable. I’ve already been told by several people that every gay man should experience Atlanta Gay Pride at least once. I wonder if there are still any hotel rooms available along Peachtree Street for October.

Learning to Cook

2010-11-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been thinking about the control factor in religion (again). Specifically how the Bible is used by not just religious leaders but pew sitters, politicians, parents, etc... to control others (and their own world, too). If you ever want to be discarded, labeled a heretic, or have your eternity ticket punched for Hades, tell a conservative Christian that you don't believe the Bible is inerrant. Never mind that the only thing that points to the Bible's inerrancy is the Bible itself. Never mind that a belief in the basic tenets of Christianity does not require a belief that the Bible is the literal word of God. And no matter even if you do think that it is historically accurate or if you give more creedance to the recorded teachings of Jesus than the epistles. If you try and get many conservative believers to think "outside the Book" or to question whether every word or teaching in the Bible is as from the mouth of God...well, it's like you're trying to take that last bottom Jenga piece out of their world view. Often, they can't handle it and just write you off.

But since I first called into question the Bible's inerrancy about 3 years ago, I have discovered something really interesting in the world of some mature conservative Christian leaders: they don't believe it's inerrant either. But for some reason...they don't let on to this. I think maybe they've convinced themselves that us pew-sitters still need milk...that maybe we're not ready for meat. Or maybe they're just scared of what will ensue if you give Christians freedom. Maybe they're scared of losing control.

I liken it to children, stoves and learning to cook. One of the first things you teach a child as he learns to crawl and get around the house is to stay away from the oven/stove..."Hot!" That makes sense. It's your job, after all, to protect them, to keep them from getting burned. But as that child matures, there comes a time to teach them how to use that heat to their benefit. First you teach them to scramble eggs, then make pancakes. Eventually they have complete freedom to use the stove...and sometimes they learn to make some really wonderful, delicious, attractive meals. The problem with most pastors is that they never let us learn to cook. They spend all their time trying to keep us from getting burned. It's like they see it as their immutable responsibility to keep us out of hell. They forget that it is for freedom that God set us free (Gal 5:1).

"Well, if you give someone free range of the stove, maybe they'll learn to create wonderful, delicious meals...or maybe they'll burn the house down." True. But is that a reason to restrict their freedom? Look at what Paul said in 1 Cor 3: "If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames." Notice that the man is still saved...a little burned maybe, but ok. So even if you give someone freedom and they end up making mistakes and setting the house on fire...chances are, they'll end up ok. There's no need to try and control people's beliefs...give them the freedom to find out what they believe...to question and doubt. Trust that He who began a good work is faithful to see it to completion. You never know, you might just find that you've got the next Wolfgang or Emeril burgeoning in expectation.

Things are Changing in the Church.

2010-10-07T10:52:00.000-07:00

There is something that's been going on recently in the wake of several gay teen suicides. Given, it's been going on since before these terrible deaths, but it just seems more apparent lately. More straight Christians are trying to understand...putting themselves in our shoes...some even speaking out against bigotry directed at the LGBTQ community. Gay Christians are standing up and getting motivated to do more about bringing change to the church. In time, God seems to frequently come to the aid of the outcast and the downtrodden...providing them strength and courage to "come out" of their suppression. The Exodus from Egypt, Jesus' defense of the poor and the meek, and more recently, Women's suffrage and the Civil Rights Movement all come to mind. Things don't move as fast as maybe we wish they would...but they're moving. It does get better.

If you have the time, please check out this awesome video by We're (Not) Straight:

On Having a Perfect Wife

2010-09-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

Transcripts of some recorded conversations I had with myself leading up to my wife's birthday and the one year anniversary of our separation. (A lot of this is very ramble-y and disjointed. It's raw and honest, though).

September 1, 2010: "You know...it's not that it's anybody's fault but my own. I'm [sigh]...I want to blame other people. I want to blame my parents...that I'm not...that I wasn't, um, self-aware enough...that I wasn't raised to be self-confident. I want to blame the religious leaders...who were over me, who encouraged my lack of authenticity. But even saying that, I realize that it wasn't their intention to do that. And if it was their intention, it was so well hidden, even from themselves, that I don't think I could consider that person to be bad. They honestly, probably for whatever reason...probably for the same reasons that I wasn't willing to stand up to myself/for myself...they had been duped. And they were just continuing the cycle.

So, Christy...she was a perfect wife but, that doesn't mean that she was perfect. You see, anybody who is perfect, or thinks they're perfect, or even close to perfect...by definition, at that point becomes imperfect. And Christy, was perfected by her imperfection, but...not in a bad way. She wasn't perfectly imperfect, it was that...it was just, a good imperfection. Her...her imperfection made her more beautiful. Made her more wonderful and...lovable. One time I told her, and I don't think she took it well...and understandly so...I said 'imagine how incredible of a person...of a woman you must be to make a gay man fall in love with you.' And, uh, of course she didn't see it that way.

But, um...I don't think that most gay men who marry because of some societal pressures or whatever...lack of authenticity, lack of self-awareness...I don't think most of them are just going to fall in love with any woman...you know, for reasons like primal attraction or some pheromone-induced state of bliss. Gay men don't fall in love with women for those reasons. Um, yeah, I am able to be with a woman...well, I don't know if I could be now...but I know that I was. And, um, maybe that contributed to my lack of authenticity. But...my love for Christy was based more on qualities...she has so many of them. I just can't feel for her what I can for a man. And that's not fair...to anyone.

September 2, 2010: "Last night I left Christy's after, um...it was a long night, relatively...when she told me she was no longer going to go sit down and talk with my lawyer, after she had told me she would. And that upset me because...well, because she said she would and I thought we had made progress. And I just don't want to use two lawyers in this thing. So, I got upset and got mad and I was going to leave early...and as I was about to leave she said something, which she normally doesn't. She normally just let's me go or doesn't speak what she's feeling, but tonight she did. She said 'I don't want this to get ugly. I'm just scared.' Which I know is the truth. I mean, I know she's a good person. In a lot of ways she's really way too good for me...even if I was straight. But, um...yeah...that started a good conversation. She was just honest, you know. She let down her guard. You know, she trusted me not to take advantage of her...or manipulate her, which I have done and may do again. Not that I really want to, but...it's like second nature for me. But, um...by the end of the night she was agreeing to go back and I was reassuring her that she isn't agreeing to anything, which she's not. She's just going to sit down and talk to my lawyer, she's not agreeing to custody or child support or anything like that...she's not signing anything.

So, um, anyways...I just wanted to make a note of that so I don't forget that honest comment of hers. I need to remind myself sometimes, that when I think she's being ugly or mean...that she's just scared. And I know that fear is a really powerful force for all kinds of evil...from prejudice to...who knows what. So, it doesn't mean that she's an evil person or bad...she's just scared. I hope that I can understand that, accept that,...and honor that, somehow.

Another Poem

2010-09-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

“Home”

Curled tight by his side,

a million bucks wouldn't buy.

But nine years in the sand

and one little man calling.

Taunting the peace

and flaunting the lies.

Home is where the heart is

broken, scattered too far apart.

Mister Gray

2010-08-04T14:16:00.001-07:00

So, I'm officially a huge fan of Jennifer's newest album and first album after coming out. So many songs I love, but this one's my favorite. The new album is "Letting Go". I really recommend it.

Two Pictures I Fell in Love With

2010-07-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

I was looking through a really cool picture documentary on The Advocate and found two pictures that moved me. Well, there were several that moved me, but these two struck a personal chord.

I have a 3 year old son that I want to be a part of my life...a life that I don't want to have to hide from him until he's 10 or 12, which his mother is fighting to have decreed in our divorce settlement. I have parents that I want to support my life at the same level before they knew I was gay. And I have a partner that I want to be there every step of the way.

I know life isn't fair and you don't always get what you want. But is it okay for me to look at these two pictures and hope? I'm sure it's not as ideal and as perfect as these pictures make it out to be, but how incredible it must be to be able to simultaneously share your life with the ones you loved before coming out and the one you love after coming out...a boundary that is still very evident and dividing in my own life nearly one year later.

Here are the pictures with the artist's commentary:

7:15 a.m., Miami. Gregory Abplanalp (left) and his partner, filmmaker Reed Cowan (8: The Mormon Proposition), make a morning photo-op visit to the beach with sons Asher and Kai. “We are approaching the one-year anniversary of the twins’ adoption,” Cowan says, “and wanted a photo book for the birth families who chose us—a gay couple—to raise these amazing children.”

11:18 a.m., Raleigh, N.C. Hans Bernhard (left) and partner Mitch Null make some family time in Umstead Park with Null’s parents. “My partner and I are adopting a baby,” Null says, “and my parents’ support assures me that our child will grow up in a loving, nurturing family.”

Why I Don't Think God Made Me Gay

2010-07-06T13:25:00.000-07:00

I don't think there's anything all that bad about the premise, "God made me gay." I just think it's a little misguided...or maybe the result of misplaced hope and logic. I am not a biblical literalist. I do believe in God and I do believe that biblical authors were divinely inspired. I also think I have been divinely inspired before (along with lots and lots of other folks). And I don't think there is any difference in the two. If God inspires me, and pastors, and presidents, and charity workers, and musicians and they (we) can all be wrong...so can Biblical authors. I have listened to ministers speak under the "anointing" (as charismatics like to say) and communicate truth and revelation and then in their next sentence say something that is blatantly prejudiced, misguided, or harmful. But we're all human and have the tendency to let our own experiences get in the way, so to speak. Paul and his fellow apostles were just as human as all of us...and I don't think that God inexplicably controlled their hands as they wrote letters and recorded parables that eventually were chosen by other men to be included in Canon. That doesn't mean that I throw the whole Bible out and it doesn't denigrate it to the level of a newspaper editorial...it's still inspired. There is still truth and revelation of God to be discovered within it's bounds (I would think there's probably a pretty good reason it's the best selling book of all time). But I believe we must interpret the Bible within the context of tradition, reason, and experience (the Wesleyan quadrilateral). When people drop those variables from the equation you get fundamentalism...and bigotry...and rejection...and exclusivity...etc... .

I digressed into my understanding of the Bible's role in order to say why I don't think God made me gay. I'll even go further to say that I don't think God gave me brown hair, designed my finger prints, or made me male either. I don't think He gives people cancer, causes birth abnormalities, and I think miracles are just undiscovered natural phenomena that cause what we believe to be "supernatural" effects. In short, I believe evidence indicates that God operates within natural law and that it doesn't take any great denial of God's omnipotence to believe this. This is not a minor theological premise...I think this view of God is the blueprint for my developing worldview. For instance, I don't think God punishes...I think sin has consequences that are a result of natural cause and effect principles. The extent that I am a creationist is that I believe God created within the confines of natural law. In fact, I can only think of one truly supernatural event performed by God...when He superseded natural law and set us free from the law via the sacrifice and resurrection of the Messiah.

So God didn't make me gay...just like He didn't make a friend's son autistic or give you hazel eyes. We're a product of our environment and genetics...variations on a DNA theme. Maybe same-sex attraction is a component of evolution, who knows. I personally don't think that homosexuality was part of the "original blueprint". But like any real-life construction project...the blueprint gets tweaked and adjusted as the project goes along. I think God, like an expert foreman, works with what He's got...and I think He likes it that way. That goes along with what I see to be the character of God. Take free will, for instance. To me, free will shows that God likes a challenge. If He's omnipotent then I guess He could choose to intervene into our will or into natural law...but I think He chooses not to. I believe God embraces diversity...that it's beautiful to Him. So for whatever reason, maybe you have MS...or we're born a minority...or were born disabled. For whatever reason, I'm gay. I...we...have got to make the best of what we've got...and that's the cue we should take from a God who "works all things for the good" (Romans 8:28). I can't be someone I'm not and I don't think God would want me to be. What He would want is for me to express my sexuality in a healthy, positive way...to abstain from actions that degrade or bring harm to myself or others. I would hope that He would have each of us live our lives as authentically as possible while not preventing others from doing the same. To live and let live.

This is why I'm a proponent of gay marriage or, at the very least, long-term, monogamous, loving relationships for gays and lesbians. Promiscuity and pornography in nearly every context hurts people and degrades intimacy. Being gay is not equivalent with promiscuity or pornography...or drugs, selfishness, etc... . These are sins because they harm in one way or another. Being gay, in and of itself, does not harm. I sin...but not by being gay and not by loving another gay man. God does not punish someone for being born female, black, poor, sick, etc... . No sane person would think God operates this way. Why then would God abhor or punish one's innate sexuality when expressed in an authentic and positive way? God didn't make me gay, but He also didn't make you straight. We just are who we are and it is what it is.

Trying to Understand the “BTQ” in LGBTQ.

2010-07-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

I just came out last year. The longer I’m around the LGBTQ culture the more I figure it out. I consider the “Q” to be like the vowel “y” of the LGBTQ world (you know, as in a,e,i,o,u, and sometimes y). Sometimes we “assimilated gays” like to include the Q’s and sometimes we don’t. And honestly, we might have excluded the B’s and the T’s too if the acronym “LG” wasn’t so non-descript. In fact, sometimes, I’m freaked out by the T’s and the Q’s. I was so freaked out by the T’s and the Q’s that, for years, they were all that I noticed when I looked at LGBTQ culture…and accordingly, I didn’t see where I fit in. As a result, I never identified as the “G” in LGBTQ until I was 30 years old. And I realized…I’m as scared of the T’s and the Q’s as many closed-minded straight people are of all of us LGBTQ’s. And the bad part is…neither prior to nor after coming out, had I wanted to understand or truly accept the T’s and the Q’s (and not really the B’s either). And that's pretty much the definition of prejudice.

Why is it that I’m prejudiced towards the BTQ’s? Like any prejudice, it is fueled by a lack of knowledge and understanding. The “L” and “G,” I get. We’re basically same-gender-loving people. The “B” I don’t totally understand because I used to secretly consider myself bisexual but now realize I never was. I was married for more than eight years and have a child via that marriage. Accordingly, I obviously am not a “6” on the Kinsey Scale, which is a 0-6 numerical scale based mostly on sexual behavior as opposed to attraction. I can be with a woman. But here’s the thing that pretty much gives me away…in 31 years, I have never once (to my memory) fantasized about me being with a woman. And the real kicker that helped me accept that I was gay last summer…I realized I could go the rest of my life without being intimate with a woman and be perfectly fine…but not vice versa. In other words, If I had a partner who I loved (in the biblical sense), I would never feel a need or desire to be with a woman. So, I finally and appropriately switched from identifying as bisexual to gay…and, wow, did that make things simpler. Accepting the fact that I was gay (and that it was ok) was like a ton of bricks falling off my back. So, gay and lesbian I understand…and what we understand, we can accept.

Considering I once identified as bisexual, it's ironic that I understand the B’s less than all of us LGBTQ’s. As a result, I've noticed that I have a latent prejudice towards those who identify this way. My prejudice towards bisexuals is expressed in being condescending…"oh, there’s no such thing as bi people…they just haven’t accepted the fact that they’re gay yet”. I probably think that way because that has been my own experience...and I haven’t taken the time to really understand things from a bisexual’s point of view. Prejudice is a social phenomena that develops in everyone…and we all have to take steps to fight it.

And now I come to the T’s. Transgendered women (those who go from a man to a woman) used to confuse me to the point that it upset me. I really love being a man. I love being with a man. I love sharing “man-ness” (I don't know how else to put it). It is what being gay is…men who love men (not men who wish they were women who love men). Lesbians, although I think them (lightheartedly) insane for not wanting to be with a man, have this same attribute of same-gender attraction...so I get them. Even transgendered men I can understand…because I love being a man so much that I think “hey, who wouldn’t want to be a man?” But transgendered women…those who readily give up their “manhood” confuse me.

Luckily, a transgendered woman has been visiting the local PFLAG chapter that I attend and, last month, she shared her story in detail. PFLAG meetings are confidential so I’m not going to share her real name here even though I doubt she’d care. I’ll call her Julie. Julie (when a man) was married to a woman…and, like me, she had children via that marriage. Julie’s story was chopped full of examples of how she always wanted to be a girl while growing up. Then she stated something that made a huge impression on me, and for me, clarified the transgender identity. She said, that when she (as a man dressed in a tux) watched her bride come down the aisle on their wedding day, thought to herself, “that should be me in that wedding dress.” I was like, holy crap…I get it now. Transgendered has nothing to do with being gay. It is about being born a woman but with male parts and hormones. Julie is indeed a woman…and I accept her as one. Thanks to her, I’ll be sure to never exclude the T’s.

Now on to those flamboyant Q’s. The word queer has quite a stigma attached to it. But the more I read and try to understand those who identify as queer, the more I realize they’re as different from us G’s as are the T’s. The bottom line is I can honestly and without any prejudice say I am not queer. I am really just now beginning to understand the queer identity thanks to a recent NPR interview with a man who refers to himself as a “she” and calls himself “Matilda”. He is really pissed off at the mainstream LGBT agenda. Apparently, it is not the Q agenda. Specifically, it is the mantel of marriage equality that he wants to disassociate from. Obtaining the right to marry someone of the same gender is, according to Matilda, just us LGBTQ’s assimilating to the straight world…it is not true liberation.

Now the term “gay liberation” makes me nauseas because of how many people define it. Gay liberation means (in much of the literature I read) acceptance of free and casual sex, dropping any expectation of monogamy or traditional roles in a relationship, and making a public spectacle of one's sexuality among other things. So I make sure to never use the term gay liberation…I instead use the term equality. I, unlike Matilda, do just want to be treated like any straight person. But Q’s are, well, queer. They’re different from the mainstream on many more levels than just being wired for same-gender attraction. So if you happen to be attracted to the same gender and you like to cross-dress, have no desire to be monogamous, have children, etc… if you hardly resemble mainstream culture at all then accept your queer-ness. It’s time to switch from “G” to “Q.” Drop the stigma that’s in your own brain…only then can other’s begin to accept you exactly as you are.

I am not bisexual, transgendered, queer, and obviously not lesbian. Each letter in LGBTQ is unique…we just all happen to have one thing in common…we are all sexual minorities. Interestingly, in my opinion, the most similar of us all are the G’s and the L’s. I am much more like a lesbian than I am a transgendered or queer individual. BUT, I am absolutely no better than any of them. As I come to understand them, I accept them. We all have homosexual or bisexual orientation but our desires and/or lifestyles are different. And, although I may not necessarily be attracted to the LBTQ's, there are people who are…and I’m glad…because we all deserve to be loved.

The Only Gotta is Love

2010-06-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

God made it very simple for us: love God, love your neighbor, and love yourself. Later, the entire of the law was summed up by Paul with “do no harm”. We men have added burden upon burden to God’s children and then call that “love”. There are men who beat their sons and say it is because they love them that they do it. In the same manner Christian leaders shame and condemn out of “love”. Freedom stealers, no doubt. If God started a good work then He will finish it...it's not your job to lead others to repentance. If it falls outside of God’s summary of love (given by Jesus in Matthew and Paul in Romans) then shut up and leave people alone…live and let live.

Scripture points out that if you love God you will love others as you love yourself. Of course, there are plenty of folks out there that don’t really love themselves…they despise themselves and therefore show others only the same love that they show themselves. But why do they despise themselves? Because that’s what they’re taught. They are told by the religious (and others) that they got to, have to, ought to, and should do…and if they can’t then they are “less than.” These leaders make it so very, very hard for people to do the most important commandment. Why do you think that Jesus came to bring freedom? Because it is only when we are set free from the law of sin and death…from condemnation…that we are free to love ourselves which leads to a love for our neighbor and ultimately for Him.

Many Christians, especially non-seminary trained ministers, are always saying “yeah, but.” God loves, but;…we are free, but. Why? How about this but: “but the greatest of these is love.” Baptize, but love is more important. Teach and preach, but love is more important. Take communion, but love is more important. Jesus was not about telling sinners what was wrong with them…that is not how HE showed love. However, He was about telling religious folks to back off. He was about sticking up for the weak and the outcast. I guess I just don’t understand why more Christians don’t take His cue.

Taking a Break

2010-06-09T09:04:00.001-07:00

For the sake of my sanity, I’m taking a break from online apologetics (this applies mostly to my interactions on other Christian-themed blogs regarding the permissibility of intimate, committed same-sex relationships for gays and lesbians). I’ll still post here occasionally and use this blog as a way to vet my thoughts…but I hope the posts will not be too defensive. Instead of being defensive, I’m just going to try and “be”. I can only imagine how little I really know in the grand scheme of things. What I do know is that I have got to be honest with myself and try my damnedest to live with integrity….and I have got to stop taking myself so seriously.

To those who have supported me online…thanks! I’ve friended some of you on Facebook so we can stay in touch even though I won’t be commenting (or reading the comments) on the blogs we mutually follow (especially on the gay topic). And I suspect that one day…because it has always been my nature to debate…I’ll be back at it. Possibly soon. I love y’all. I covet your prayers. Peace.

Second Peter

2010-05-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

I admit that 2Peter…the entire book…scares the crap out of me. On several levels.

1. It instructs the reader not to assume to be a teacher. That if I do teach…I will be judged more harshly. And I do desire to teach about God and Christianity but have a nagging doubt and worry that I may be totally wrong…that I may be a “false” teacher. This just makes me want to sit down and shut up.

2. It threatens the security and faith I have in mercy. It’s almost as if a Westboro Baptist Church sign-holder wrote 2 Peter. And it’s hard for me to grasp Peter’s harsh words considering his own failures documented in the Gospels. Furthermore, I cannot reconcile the consistent use of themes and words like “condemnation”, “lawless”, “authority”, etc… with the teachings of Jesus. Whereas the teachings and words of Jesus always encourage and uplift me (as if everything He said was filtered through love, mercy, justice, peace, and forgiveness), Peter’s words are like a sledge hammer beating me down and threatening that I better return to legalism and fundamentalism…or else.

3. And the above fears mean nothing without this last one. 2 Peter contains the main (and I think it’s the only) New Testament passage used by Biblical literalists and other conservative Christians to justify the doctrine of Biblical inerrancy and to extend it to the Epistles (2 Pet 3:16). I do not believe the Bible is inerrant but rather inspired (like a sermon may be inspired by the Holy Spirit but still contain error in part and truth in part). But even though I do not currently believe in Biblical inerrancy, I have been taught to believe that doctrine and, indeed, I did hold to that doctrine for years. It may always haunt me.

Of course since the only witness to Biblical inerrancy is the Bible itself, ultimately belief that the Bible is without error (even if you believe it is inerrant only in its original manuscript) requires quite a dose of faith. And the possible inerrancy of 2 Peter scares me because there are several, what appear to be obvious descriptions of God, righteousness, and the “elect” that do not line up with my experiences, understanding, and core beliefs. This, in turn, affects the way I live. If the Bible is inerrant…if 2 Peter is absolutely perfect and applies to us today as to the people Peter was writing it to…then I will most likely spend eternity in hell. And not only that but it testifies that I am a wicked, evil person filled with all kinds of depravity. I trudged through the book again today and was completely overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness. I see no way to live as Peter says we must and so far, God has not provided the strength or gift of faith that would be required for me to live in such a way. If it is 100 percent inerrant, then I see no way out…and God is indeed too harsh or I am too weak (or both) to escape eternal torment.

---

So those fears and one’s like them toss me about like a wave in a storm and I feel pretty insecure and unstable in my faith (which is another characteristic condemned by Peter). One of the scariest verses in 2 Peter is when he refers to Proverbs and talks about those who, like dogs eating their own vomit, once knew the truth and then returned to depravity. The question I must ask myself then is…if this statement is indeed inspired by God…which one is the vomit? The fundamental life I once tried to lead (2 Peter) or the life of freedom I now live (Galatians and the Gospels). I don’t know. Maybe it’s neither. Maybe I’m unwilling to face the truth or too weak to live the life called for in portions of the Epistles…or maybe my real problem is that I found freedom and now am allowing myself to get entangled in the law again. How then shall I live my life?

It is too clear to me why gay Christians take their own lives or why Christian women stay in miserable marriages. I understand why so many stay on the sidelines of life afraid to really live. They’re trapped by their religion, their beliefs, and ultimately by their own spiritual diffidence. Hopeless, they turn to God only to find Him silent. And they’re left alone with the words of pastors, preachers and Sunday school teachers to echo in that empty space…a space that, like a cave enlarged by flowing streams of groundwater, is eroded and broadened by a river of insecurity.

Poems

2010-05-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

“Fallen”

Promises i couldn’t keep.

Adopted a mile on Straight Street,

not real straight but very narrow

like contaminated marrow

she once could drink but now her feat

seeps

into the bottoms of uncertainty.

“Bars”

Insatiable desires. Fires.

Scalding waters scattered from above

cooled by his love.

Indestructible soot

remains and contains

fallen bars

highly set above the mire.

Prejudice Disguised as Faith

2010-04-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

I've written a couple posts lately regarding a blog I have been following written by a former pastor of mine, Bubba Justice. I've been surprised by the legalistic views and prejudice that I've run across there. Not that it is anything abnormal for Alabama but because of the denomination from which they are coming...the Vineyard (Bubba is the pastor at Inverness Vineyard Church south of Birmingham, AL). But maybe I shouldn't be surprised. I think the reason I am is because of 3 other Vineyard ministers who have positively impacted my life during this coming out process, the most notable of who is David Hayward, the nakedpastor.

In a couple places on Bubba's blog, gays are kind of personified as the gravest of sinners. In one post on rejection, a member of Bubba's congregation responded to it saying that rejection "causes" people to become gay and to still think they are "good". No one else said anything...I guess they just agreed with her. So, I responded with this reply, using points made by another Vineyard pastor, Frank Emmanuel. Bubba removed it saying it had no bearing on the topic at hand...and I guess it didn't, but based on some of the other ways gays have been portrayed on the blog I can't help but wonder if he just didn't like the content of my reply. I've invited Bubba to sit down and talk about this topic, but nothing has come of it yet. I hope we get that chance, and regardless if he ever changes his mind on the sinfulness of being gay, I hope he will acknowledge his prejudice and change his attitudes regarding his gay and lesbian brethren in Christ.

Anyways, here's the response removed from his blog:
Lucy, homosexuals are still good people. There are legitimate interpretations of Scripture that do not condemn all homosexual expression as sin. If you’re interested in understanding these points of view, start with a visit to http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-gay-christian .
In summary, and in defense to other gay Christians who may be hurt by reading your post, see this commentary below that a minister made in response to the recent suicide of a gay Christian in England:

“In the ancient Middle East, where having large families made the difference between life and death in old age and during times of famine; where child mortality was high; and where homosexual relationships were associated with pagan worship (reread Romans 1 and pay close attention to Romans 1:23, 1:25 and the words “Therefore” and “Because of this”) forsaking children and family to live in a monogamous gay relationship would have been considered a serious threat to family and the community. Marriages were not made for love, but to cement family alliances and maintain bloodlines. There was no concept of individual autonomy like there is today and children were expected to do what their parents told them to do (under penalty of death: see Deuteronomy 21:18-21) and marry who they were told to marry.

It’s very hard for us as modern 21st Century Christians in a post-enlightenment culture to fully grasp how different the worldview and circumstances were in the ancient world. We think of ourselves as individuals who choose our own destiny. We marry for love. Children are a blessing but not needed to keep us from starving. We don’t put them to work to bring income into the family and make us richer. Most children don’t die before age 5. We have a modern welfare state to care of us if we are disabled or in old age.

At some point we have to do what we do with other parts of Scripture and acknowledge that we live in a different world. There are many commands in Scripture that no modern Christian would apply today. We don’t stone disobedient children or Sabbath breakers (Numbers 15:32-36). We don’t force people who divorce to reconcile with their spouse or live celibate lives (1 Cor 7:10-11).
It doesn’t mean that Scriptural ethics don’t apply at all. This isn’t all black or all white. It takes deep thought, reflection, mature empathy and prayer to make ethical decisions and live a life based on Christian love (Matthew 5). Even Paul said that all law and all the Bible’s commands can be summed up by the command 'Do no harm' (Romans 13:8-10).

The prohibition on homosexuality is a purity code. It doesn’t cause objective harm like adultery, which can only be sustained by lying to a spouse and the community and breaking a vow. Forcing gay people into involuntary lifetime celibacy does cause harm, not only to those gay people but to their loved ones who must cope with the self hatred and depression, and yes, possible suicide. That is where the sin is and I am glad that more and more Christians are figuring this out and that attitudes are changing fast.”

Frank Emmanuel is the pastor of an alternative Vineyard church in Ottawa, Canada

Breaking the Law

2010-04-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

I recently posted this as a comment on a former pastor of mine's blog:
I have to say that I think the Pharisees get exactly the bad rap they deserve. Jesus was pretty darn pissed with them. But I don’t think that they were necessarily evil on the inside, I just think they were misguided into believing that following the rules is what makes you holy.

The Jews weren’t just instructed to “keep the Sabbath holy.” In the Old Testament God Himself ordered the death of a man for gathering firewood on the Sabbath (Numbers 15:32-36). Jesus wasn’t just a tradition-breaker, he was a rule-breaker. Why? Because He understood the purpose behind the law…and that it is not the rule that is important but its purpose (and Jesus was the revelation of that purpose to us). The Sabbath was created for us, He taught…and hence no more stoning of us sabbath-breakers. Because of Jesus, we know now that the purpose of the law was to keep God’s children (ourselves and others) from harm . Even Paul, whose instructions to certain 1st century churches are used by Biblical literalists today to condemn/judge all types of people, said that the law is pretty much summed up in this: “Do no harm to your neighbor” (read Romans 13:8-10)[This teaching was borrowed from comments made by Pastor Frank Emanuel].

For me personally, this has become my guide in Christian living. I pray for understanding and revelation into how my actions or attitudes may be harming myself or my brothers and sisters in Christ. That is where I begin…not with a set of rules. Jesus was out to protect the innocent and the people He accused weren’t the rule-breakers but the rule-enforcers. May that be a lesson to us all.

Friendships Change Everything

2010-04-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

By: Peter Walker

Something surprising just happened…

I’ve been blogging and writing for several years now about my commitment to not taking sides. I’ve fancied myself a Conscientious Objector in the Culture Wars: “I have friends on both sides, and the war is more damaging than the supposed causes.” So I threw away my picket signs, tried to love everyone, and avoided making any polarizing stands.

When conservative and liberal Christians applied that all-important litmus test of orthodoxy to me: “What are your views on homosexuality?” I could safely and honestly answer: “I have friends on both sides. I have some friends who are gay Christians, and another close friend who is ex-gay – believing it to be a sin. I don’t think it’s my job to make a judgment call on any of them, I just try to love each of them and honor their journey.”

And all of that is still true. I don’t think it’s my job to play judge. I do think it’s my job to love and support. But in both ideology and execution, I think I’ve been wrong. For that, I want to apologize.

My best friend from childhood just “came out.”

I realize that’s not very earth shattering in this venue, but it’s profound for me. We grew up together. We shared the same brainwaves. Andy and I don’t live near each other anymore, and only connect once or twice a year now, but he’s never stopped being my best friend – he’s a permanent fixture in my heart. After parting for college twelve years ago, Andy became increasingly distant and aloof. I could tell he was protecting himself, though I wasn’t sure from what. I did wonder if he might be gay (he had little interest in girls when we were younger) but I didn’t want to push him into disclosing before he was ready. I also didn’t want to assume anything, especially if I was wrong…

Last week he was finally ready, and I must say I was surprised by my own response: complete elation!

It could have been the catharsis of feeling like the wall between us had finally fallen. Maybe it was learning that Andy’s been in a happy, committed relationship for the last seven years (and that I’ll actually get to meet the guy)! But I think what made me the happiest was knowing that my best friend, the son of very conservative Christian parents like my own, wasn’t going to live his life in secret. No constant turmoil. No permanent closet. No denial, self-loathing or aggressive psychotherapy. He came out to his family (who are taking it surprisingly well) and to his friends, and now I have the privilege of sharing his joy.

We talked about his theological journey: “did you need to answer any biblical questions before determining how to act?” No, he didn’t. He knew what was right for him, and he chose to let his faith follow.

Funny, that’s just how I’ve finally begun to approach my own faith journey…

Let me start by saying that I don’t like the practice of “proof-texting” – grabbing carefully picked Bible verses that conveniently support one’s agenda – because the Bible has been used to justify all sorts of wrongs like slavery and misogyny. However, I do think that there are genuinely consistent messages that flow in streams throughout Scripture that cannot and should not be ignored.

Psalm 51:6 reads, “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” God has always been intent on teaching us truth, and I have a hard time believing God would allow the voice of truth to be easily undermined without our own willful, intentional subversion.

In Zechariah 8:19, “truth and peace” go hand-in-hand, which necessarily conflicts with many contemporary concepts of “Christian truth” that sow heartache, resentment, conflict and oppression in the name of cultural or religious warfare.

The law is not in opposition to love, joy, or peace. And yet the Christianity of my own upbringing was in suspicious opposition to “peace” in the world, because it gloried in rumors of End Times Apocalypse. In fact, I was taught to assume “peace” to be a deception of the Antichrist and a precursor to the Beast’s one-world government. The direct result of that being distrust and suspicion over things identified by Jesus himself as good and true.

Personally, I cannot keep trying to reconcile a Gospel that undermines love, grace and goodness for the sake of legal “accuracy.” Yes, I still have a dear friend who rejects the homosexual lifestyle as sin. And I will not attempt to undermine what he perceives to be spiritual conviction. I will keep loving and supporting him as he seeks a way that is right and healthy for him. I can’t purport to know what is best for his life any more than I would have tried to convert my gay friends to straight, in the past. Forced conversion seems a destructive path from whatever pole you start at.

But the emancipation of Jesus resonates through my whole being: “If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent.” (Matthew 12:7)

It is in this spirit, as a Christian, that I hope to perceive the Holy Spirit’s voice in my life and in the world around me. It is in this spirit that I embrace my queer sisters and brothers. I choose to reject endless attempts at reconciling one or two troublesome verses with the broader arch of God’s goodness.

I guess that makes me “liberal.” Or maybe it just makes me “Christian.”

My Letter to Evangelicals for Social Action

2010-03-22T06:42:00.000-07:00

After subscribing to E-pistle [the ESA newsletter] for several years I was upset to discover that I have been supporting a group (at least in principal) that presents itself as a liberal Christian voice for human rights yet has substantial anti-gay views. It is obvious (to most open-minded evangelicals) that the six to seven scriptures (the "clobber passages") used to condemn homosexuality are condemning promiscuous, unloving, or abusive forms of homosexual behavior. As the Biblical writers had no concept of loving, monogamous gay relationships, how could they adequately address the subject? However, we do have those examples today and have a responsibility to promote those types of relationships in the stead of inequality which leads to shame, suppression, and ultimately unhealthy expressions of one's sexuality.

Please carefully reconsider your stance on not supporting marriage equality. You are Evangelicals for Social Action, you have a responsibility to stand up for social justice and equality for all people. You may think that there is no charge in Scripture to fight for social equality for gays and lesbians (as there is for the poor) but know that by not standing up for marriage equality you are contributing to the shame that Christian gays and lesbians feel. And that shame leads to suppression of their natural sexuality which ultimately results in unhealthy and often unsafe expressions of their sexuality (resulting in the spread of disease and death). It's (past) time to take a stand against this injustice and against the use of scripture as a weapon of shame. "In reality, there are no biblical literalists, only selective literalists. By abolishing slavery and ordaining women, millions of Protestants have gone far beyond biblical literalism. It's time we did the same for homophobia." -William Sloane Coffin.

Learning to Lose

2010-03-10T07:20:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder who you really are? I do…a lot. I also wonder if I’m doing things right or making some big mistake that will cost me later on. I wonder if I’m a good dad, a good Christian…a good person. I think about the consequences of my actions…will I end up alone or fat…or alone and fat? Should I change…can I change? Do I have what it takes? Maybe…maybe I’m asking the wrong questions or maybe I am, like the young lady checking out my ring finger yesterday, barking up the wrong tree.

What I should be asking myself is why does it matter? What if I’m not all that I could be...or I never reach my potential (whatever that means)? What if I do make some really bad decisions and end up somewhere I never imagined I'd be? I think that if I could just find a way to enjoy the ride then it’d all be ok. So…what if I lose my job, and consequently my credit, and have to move back in with my parents? My mom’s a good cook...and they have a comfortable guest bed. So, chill, Trey.

The real problem is failing...being the stereotype, if you will…the thirty-something gay loser who still lives with his folks. But what makes me a loser…what game have I lost? That’s it! I’m playing a game. And that’s why I sometimes, even during this brutally honest stage of my life, still wonder who I really am. Because even now, after I’ve come out, I’m still finding ways to play that same old game. I wish I’d just go ahead and lose already…and get on with living.

Gloneliness

2010-02-26T08:50:00.000-08:00

I keep running across these issues that contribute to the "gay lifestyle" stereotype...those things that seem to push some (or maybe many) gay men into unhealthy living. I've blogged and argued until I was red in the face (mostly on this blog and on nakedpastor.com) that the shame and guilt that the religious place on the gay man causes them to throw God (and sometimes morality) out with the bathwater. They reason that if it is the puritanist mindset that says we're sinful or wrong, then they don't want anything to do with it....screw fidelity and monogamy, let's get "liberated". So ironic that this behavior that the church uses to condemn the gay lifestyle is partly a product of the church's prejudice and opposition to gay marriage. I think it makes God very sad.

Speaking of sad...I'm pretty darn lonely. And, I think that for the most part, I'm lonely at this point in my life because I'm gay. I'm laying here alone in the bed on a Friday night and thinking...no wonder. No wonder we gays want to hit the internet or the gay bars to find some companionship...some place where we feel normal and accepted. I feel ostracized...sometimes in the middle of a bunch of people. I think some in my family really believe that they are accepting of me...but I can feel the distance. They never call...no more family get-togethers just for the heck of it. Or if there are, I don't know about them. I find out about my niece's and nephew's concerts, plays, or soccer games by overhearing my mom or soon-to-be-ex-wife say something about them. When there is the big event...a birthday or holiday...the smiles are there, even the hugs, but there is so much emptiness in it all. I wonder if they pat themselves on the back for being so accepting of me. My old fundamentalist Christian friends are even worse.

There's the other possibility...that I'm the one doing the polarizing. I don't know. If I am, I don't mean to. Or maybe it's a bit of both. It takes effort to get together now, on both our parts. I have to psych myself up, knowing that these people think I'm going to hell or that I'm a horrible husband and dad. It's exhausting to hang around people who think that about you. It's a horrible feeling thinking that the only reason they're being nice to me is because they hope they can love me back into being straight...or at least to trying to play it straight like I was. And then on their part, they're trying to figure out a way to love me without "compromising their convictions." They're busy trying to figure out how to protect their children from the knowledge that they have a gay uncle...for as long as they possibly can, I guess. The women have to deal with their disgust that I have "abandoned" my wife and son. And the men...well they have to deal with a different type of disgust. With all that going on, no wonder they don't want to invite me over.

So I figure in a lot of places in the world, a lot of gay folk feel like this. They don't want to feel like their sexuality is disgusting to others and they don't want to feel like people just tolerate them...so they look for love and acceptance wherever they can find it. No wonder AIDS is surging within the young gay population again. Combine rejection, loneliness, and immaturity, and you have a recipe for disaster. And for those who do survive...the emotional and physical consequences of promiscuity often do terrible damage. Prejudice and irrational fear is such a horrible thing, and for the first time in my life, I'm learning about it from the other end.

The Damage of Ex-gay Teaching

2010-02-22T08:20:00.000-08:00

I have been damaged by the "ex-gay" movement which asserts that we can and should allow God to "heal" our homosexuality. Recently, I engaged one of the leaders within that movement in a lengthy e-mail dialogue that lasted three or four months. I really did believe that he had found a way to "bear his cross" and in turn enjoys a relatively happy life with his wife and children. Unlike many gay people who discount the testimonies of ex-gays as lies or temporary, I think it is possible for some to re-train or re-program themselves (to an extent) and to be able to find fulfillment in a heterosexual relationship...I just think it is very rare and that most of the time a lot of people end up hurt trying to reach, what is for them, an unrealistic goal. The fact that the testimonies of those damaged by ex-gay teaching outnumber, seemingly 10 to 1, those changed by it, points to this.

So I guess the possibility to successfully suppress sexual expression may exist for some. The problem arises when we teach that everyone should participate in the heteronormative projection of relationship/family...or else. The damage is done when we try to apply a "thou shalt not" blanket condemnation to the situation and pigeonhole people into a single acceptable expression of sexuality. It's like praying for someone to be healed and then, when they're not healed, blaming it on their lack of faith. That mentality damages people.

I believe that some people are whole in their disability, their abnormality, or their sickness. Not being healed seems to be their purpose or identity (Randy Pausch and Helen Keller come to mind). And not being healed is normal...in life and even throughout the Bible. How inspiring is it when someone with an abnormality or disability lives a successful and exceptional life?! The moral of the story: celebrate abnormality, don’t shun it. [Disclaimer: I'm not calling homosexuality a sickness or deformity...but it is, obviously, not the norm, i.e. abnormal.]

I believe (and I recognize that many other gay believers disagree with me on this point) that the original plan of God was not homosexuality...that it wasn't the original "design" (a simple inventory of body parts does well to illustrate this point). However, neither is autism or any other random birth abnormality. So, whatever the reason, there are gay people that will always be gay and the vast majority of whom are not going to be chaste and are not going to be able to successfully or happily sustain a heterosexual relationship. What then is the role of the children of God, and especially the leaders within the religious institutions (the opinion-makers), in regards to our gay brothers and sisters? And this may be where my message diverges with a lot of Christian moderates and all Christian conservatives.

It is my belief that the church has a responsibility to stand up to the teaching that proclaims that gay people must be forever abstinent...the teaching that it is sinful or disgraceful or shameful for LGBT people to have loving, committed relationships with same-sex partners. We should promote gay marriages or civil partnerships because they encourage monogamy, fidelity, and commitment. Saying nothing or not taking a stance to promote this message is promoting the alternative - shame and promiscuity. My point is, it's great to allow others to develop and have their own understandings and convictions...but we have to speak out when their convictions harm other people.

For example, one pastor may have the conviction that interracial marriage is sinful and then this pastor projects this conviction onto their congregation with the support of carefully selected scriptures. The interracial couple hears this message and internalizes it...feels that God has deserted them. Being unable to deny their feelings for one another, and being convinced that what they share together is the opposite of sinful...they discount what they hear and throw the good out with the bad. In this case, I believe it is time to raise my voice and declare that this pastor’s conviction is wrong...so as to protect the innocent and stand up for what is right.

What's really difficult for me to swallow is the fact that this message...loving, monogamous, committed same-sex relationships are pleasing to God...is being drowned out by "gay pride" and the voice of those who have thrown God out with the bathwater (which are not necessarily synonymous or mutually exclusive). Why? Because we won't speak up. Mel White can't do it alone. In order for things to change, pastors and Christian leaders who believe that acceptance, fidelity, and monogamy are a better alternative to shame and promiscuity have got to speak up and speak out against the teaching that states all homosexual expression is sinful...and proclaim that message as misinformed, damaging to God's children, and ultimately...unchristian.

Gay Twins and the Science of Epigenetics

2010-02-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

Pilgrim Congregational Church

2010-01-04T22:26:00.000-08:00

I really like my new church. It's a little different than what I'm used to....the music is more traditional, the dress is more formal, and the people are more authentic. It's that last part that I like the most. Here's their identity statement:

I am Pilgrim Church. I am an open and loving witness for liberal Christianity in the Birmingham area. I stand with those who seek justice and peace for all people. I am accepting and inclusive. I embrace all people. I am a home where people are encouraged to seek their own answers...to explore their spiritual lives. I am a follower of Jesus.

This Ain't Goodbye

2010-01-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

This song has been playing over and over again on my iTunes. Strange...but it reminds me of mine and my (soon-to-be-ex) wife's relationship....how we only ran into each other because we were running away from something. We met somewhere outside of our own realities, married too early, and survived on a diet of fantasy and ambition as long as we could. Now, our marriage is dissolving as strangely as it was formed. Funny, the same people who said we shouldn't marry then are trying to keep us together now.

It's been a long time coming...out.

2009-12-10T06:46:00.000-08:00

My life bares little semblance to what it was this time last year. There were a series of events that led me here, the foundation for which was laid during the previous 3 years. It all began with my departure from Christian fundamentalism after being entrenched in it for nearly a decade. A lot of that process has been detailed in earlier posts on this blog. Along with that departure came freedom, reason/logic, and self-acceptance...in that order. All that was needed to provoke the avalanche of changes was a catalyst...and once it started, I felt completely out of control.

It's taken me about 3 years of therapy to admit it, but I'm gay. I told my wife before we were married that I had been with men in college, but we were both so fanatical in our religion at the time that we both thought God had (or would) miraculously change me. Who would have ever thought that God didn't want to change that? Turns out God is really, truly into authentic living.

My wife is heartbroken...and so am I. All I know to do now, though, is be as genuine as I can. Trying to be someone that I'm not is what got me into this mess in the first place. Ultimately, I think being true to myself will help me be the best human being and the best dad I can be."Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (thanks, Amanda). A lot of people I love and respect think just the opposite, though...that I have been deceived by satan and am destroying mine and my family's life as a result. They pray for me every day.

I'm a little late in life coming out...but a lot of guys like me never make it out. I don't fit a lot of the stereotypes, I'm not a "6" on the Kinsey scale, and I was entrenched in the fundamentalist Christian church. There were a lot of things that contributed to my lack of authenticity. But I never meant to hurt my wife...and I still deeply care for her and will always love and admire her.

My wife swept a lot under the rug, I'm sure. But I don't blame her. To her credit, when I did tell her that I was pretty sure I'm gay, she was sad but reacted somewhat expectantly. I thought that she may have even been a little relieved...knowing that the problems with our marriage lie in my brain chemistry, not her capability to be a good wife. In fact, she handled it quite well until I revealed my unfaithfulness.

In 8 years of marriage, I fought the tendencies...or corralled them into more secret (and quite unhealthy) outlets. But nearly 1 year ago today, I had a sexual encounter with a man for the first time since college. I was very drunk (also for the first time since college), I didn't know him and, as goes the cliche, he meant nothing. But in the days and weeks that followed, the guilt of that encounter nearly destroyed me. That truly was the beginning of the end. Convinced that I had to find a "healthy" outlet, I began to look for a gay Christian friend to talk with...someone who could understand the conflict I was going through.

In August I met a Christian guy like myself but, unlike me, he was comfortable with his sexuality. I ended up in his arms one night. And as we lay there both a bit tipsy from a couple beers, he admirably told me "I'm not going commit adultery." Even without the possibility of intimacy, I found myself more fulfilled and comfortable in this guy's arms than I had ever been with my wife, or any woman for that matter. I knew then. In retrospect, self-acceptance had started in therapy sessions years prior, but that 'aha' moment was a huge step in my coming out process. It was like my fortune cookie prize said "It is what it is" ...and that I had pinned it up somewhere in my brain where I passed by it several times a day. And every time I saw it, I hated myself a little less. And it turns out that once you don't hate your gay-ness anymore, there is very little motivation to stay in the closet.

My wife asked me to leave the house...I had nowhere to go, no local friends or family I was out to, and no money (I had been laid off weeks earlier)...so I slept in my truck. At my parent's the next day my sister confronted me...she wanted to know why my wife kicked me out. I told her that I had cheated on her. As my sister began to berate me, I tried to tell her that she didn't know what she was talking about...to back off. She brought my fatherhood and then my faith into the argument...at which point I blurted out that it was with a man. The room grew deathly silent for a moment, then erupted in accusations and anger. I stormed out and I spent more time, alone, in the cab of that damn truck. Hopefully I will never again get that close to taking my own life...my God, it sucked.

My parents...both my mom and my dad were the first to reach out to me. I moved in with them. Immediately they began to try and understand. My sister, sister-in-law, and wife however began to organize in resistance, attending a large Christian ex-gay conference called "Love Won Out". Originally started by Focus on the Family, it is now owned and operated by Exodus International...the largest ex-gay organization in the world. In my opinion, it is much tougher to tolerate the "we love you, but" message than it is to dismiss the "you're going to burn in hell" message. "If you only love God enough, He'll help you overcome this 'sin'". I tried...for 20 fucking years. It's a farce. You honor God the most by being authentic, by being honest with yourself, with Him, and with those you love and respect.

In order to keep up with the tolerance level in society, the Christian right has had to change their message from "being gay is an abomination" to "gay expression is a sin". This allows them to say "yes you're gay and that's ok...you just have to overcome it." I.e. repress is the key to success...what a sham. Anyways, I could go on forever on that topic. Luckily, I found a local Open and Affirming congregation of the United Church of Christ here in Birmingham. They are a mixed congregation of straight and gay believers (and skeptics, too) where gay members have full acceptance into the church and can fill any ministry position.

Time is healing things. It's been nearly 4 months now. I have been attending PFLAG meetings. The people there have been amazing. Through church and PFLAG, I have been able to build some support...without it I'm not sure if I would have ran back into the closet or not. I still have to remain closeted to an extent. My profession, for instance, is quite conservative and it will take time for me to be able to come out in that arena. Also, I was in the fundamentalist church for 10 years and an ordained minister nearly that long and I have no desire to deal with the condemnation that will come from that camp as this news trickles through the Christian gossip machine. As a result, I'm still not shouting it from the rooftops.

So there it is...another coming out story to add to the millions floating around the world wide web. I have never experienced as much despair as I did in 2009...but, I just can't tell you how incredible it is to finally be comfortable in my own skin. Peace

Perplexed, Part 2: Same-sex Marriage

2009-07-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

This topic is really a tricky one for the moderate. Isn't it strange to imagine a society where little boys grow up thinking that kissing their best bud Johnny on the play ground is just as acceptable as kissing little Susie? Or teaching your preteen about the birds and the bees and then having to try and explain how it works with his friends parents...who happen to both be women. This is what scares the conservative. They imagine a modern day Sodom where men, unrestrained by social mores, will just have sex with anyone. Unrestrained, what will society look like? This, like many other conservative ideals is just misinformation.

You may be familiar with the Kinsey Scale which is a scale from 0 to 6 to describe a person's sexual orientation; 0 being completely heterosexual and 6 being completely homosexual. More than 80% of men fall between 1 and 5. A "1" basically means having a complete heterosexual history, but there exists or has exsisted a preoccupation with simple things like male anatomy; a glance in the locker room or a comparasion during puberty would be examples (chuckle...). Or, for lack of experience, you could substitute imagination, dreams, etc... . A "5" would pretty much represent a complete lack of interest in the opposite sex, but a desire to experiment or a desire to be heterosexual may lead to incidental sexual encounters with the opposite sex.

I say all that because well over 80% of men are not completely heterosexual (according to the Kinsey's and other's research) and many are scared of where they might fall on that scale. There exists such a strong stereotype in society regarding sexuality in general, and especially same-sex sexuality, that any tendancy towards same-sex attraction may freak a lot of guys out. It is that fear, justified by a literal and narrow interpretation of the Bible, that drives the "pro-family" agenda.

Why do evangelical Christians think that they have to do the work of an omnipotent God? If God really is in control as they/we believe, would allowing two people of the same sex who love and are committed to each other the right to marry be the end-all of our society? And here's where it really gets confusing: in their opposition to gay marriage (i.e. loving, monogamous, committed relationships) they are pushing a destructive lifestyle onto the homosexual...the very lifestyle they then use to prove its sinfulness.

Most homosexuals fight shame and guilt from early on, when they first discover that they're different. That shame often leads to repression, and a lack of self-realization. As they age, they miss out on the adolescence afforded to straight boys and girls and never have the opportunity to date and develop a healthy understanding of love and relationships. Upon leaving the constraints of home, they find freedom to express themselves. They are now adults, with the freedom of adults but the relationship maturity of adolescents...a deadly combination. Add on top of that, shame and guilt that often leads to a desire to seek out affirmation from those of their own sex and you get the perfect formula for promiscuity, broken relationships, and consequently the spread of disease and the propagation of emotional distress and trauma. So, out of fear and backed by a narrow interpretation of the Bible, the Christian avoids the reality of the consequences for their exclusion and prejudice....death and destruction of others. Not a good way to love your neighbor if you ask me.

Perplexed, Part 1: Abortion

2009-07-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

Perplexed is a two-part series I'm going to do to address evangelical Christianity, politics, and the morality surrounding two major topics: abortion and gay marriage. Mostly it is going to be musings on current political stances taken by a majority of evangelical Christians that are based on theology or interpretation of Scripture. I think I have a unique perspective to offer considering that shortly following my conversion to Christianity, I also converted my political and social worldview to conform to some of the very ideas that I now say perplex me. However, as I have begun to think again (by learning of the true freedom given to me in Christ), I drifted back towards many of the social and political mores I had developed prior to my conversion. And having seen the issues clearly from both sides, there are many "Christian" political perspectives that I just don't get. Why are they taught...where did they come from in the first place? Because, in my opinion, when it comes to politics, the "Christian" stance is often anything but.

Perplexed, Part 1: Abortion and Voting

Well, I might as well come out of the corner swinging. There may not be a more hot-button issue than this. Let me start off by saying that personally, in my own life, it is hard for me to imagine a situation where my former wife and I would have chosen abortion. Though, I admit, if it came down to my unborn child's life or my wife's life, I know what I would choose. However, the horror of a late-term abortion is too much for me to even think of. May we never have to make that choice.

Though I consider myself pro-life, I don't feel it is my right to tell a woman that if her life is in danger she has to carry a child to full term. I also don't think I, or the government for that matter, has the right to tell a woman that if she is raped and impregnated, that she must carry that child to term. The same goes for a 14 year old girl coerced into sexual intercourse. On that note, however, I believe that pro-life programs that encourage distraught women to carry a child to term and that offer adoption alternatives, professional counseling, etc., are wonderful. In my opinion they are doing the Lord's work. If my daughter got pregnant at 14, I would encourage her to carry the child to full term and choose adoption. In the end, the enduring trauma of an abortion far outweighs the difficulty of child-bearing. And on top of that, I just think it's the right thing to do...that child should get a shot at life just like the rest of us. But as long as that child is connected to the mother's body...the mother, under traumatic or extreme circumstances, should have the choice to continue the pregnancy or to terminate it.

This is where my politics get a little shady. I know a lot of people can't stand fence sitters, moderates, centrists, etc... Heck, some Christians even love to quote the Revelation "hot or cold" verse...and apply it to nearly every situation. But I am a moderate...left-leaning...but a moderate nonetheless. I do think that the government should step in and make it illegal to abort a fetus for no legitimate, medical reason. Abortion as a form of birth control is a crime that degrades the sanctity of life and undermines society. Late-term abortions should be illegal in all cases except when it is discovered (after the 19th week) that the mother's life will end or be permanently impaired at some future point in the pregnancy or during delivery. If the fetus is viable and early delivery will not result in the death or permanent impairment of the mother, the child should be delivered. But in other cases, where medical or severe mental trauma may be incurred by the mother as a result of the pregnancy or if it is found that the child's life will not be sustainable outside of the womb, the government should stay out of the way.

The dilemma - single issue voters

So, although my view on abortion rights may be different than some Christians (and similar to others), what's the perplexing part? Well, what I don't get is when Christians go to the poll and allow a candidate's stance on abortion rights to completely (or nearly completely) determine how they will vote. Why I'm perplexed is, how can a Christian with a clear conscience go and cast a vote for a candidate who is pro-life yet also supports a war that was initiated under unjust terms? The only response that I've heard that makes any sense is that in war, the guilty are killed and with abortion the innocent are killed. But that statement has so many holes in it, I don't know where to begin.

Are the innocent not killed in war? And how can you justify those killings when the war itself has been proven to be illegitimate? "Well 20-30 million children are aborted every year and not that many die in war" is a common response. First of all, as American voters, we can only consider abortions performed in the U.S. and that number is slightly over 1 million abortions per year (still, sadly, a very high number). But secondly, is not one just as important to God as a million? To prove this point, one only needs to apply the parable of the lost sheep. Did the Shepard not leave the 99 "found" sheep to find the lost one? And based on simple Christian theology...where do innocent unborn children end up in the afterlife? Heaven, right? Therefore I'll compare them to the 99 found sheep. And the innocent Muslim killed by a bomb because he was living in a house two doors down from a terrorist? Traditional evangelical theology states that upon his death, he will experience an everlasting hell. Tell me, my Christian brothers and sisters who seem to see everything in black and white, how do you justify this?

Shade-tree Theology or Shad-y Theology?

2009-07-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

I admit that a lot of what I'm saying in these posts is a little shady when compared to traditional evangelical thinking. But most of it is just me thinking out loud the stuff that most "good" Christians either pretend not to think or have been brainwashed to the point that they no longer think at all (impartially that is). Don't take offense to my use of the term "brainwashed." In the church I went to, brainwash was actually a positive term. "Yeah we're brainwashed," they would exclaim, "we wash our mind with the Word everyday." Here's the problem with washing your mind with the Word. When you can't objectively look at Scripture...when your mind has been filled with propaganda on Sunday mornings, Wednesday evenings, from cds, radio stations, Christian magazines, Joyce Meyer and T.D. Jakes, Rod Parsley political campaigns, hyped up supernatural stories of gold dust, modern-day dead raisings, out-of-context bible teachings (I could go on but you get my point)...when you have been programed to see Scripture only from certain angles, washing your mind with it can be a bad thing. Sooner or later, God is placed in a box...or better yet, He is placed in a box that's within a box, that's within another box, etc... . The deeper you get into it (the more conferences you go to, the more sermons you listen to, etc.), the more boxes He's placed within. Then one day you get some revelation and you think you're thinking outside of the box...but really you've just broken through into a slightly larger box.

That's me right now. I've crammed God into so many boxes that even now as I think outside of my box (and way outside of other people's boxes), I still have God in a box, albeit there is now a little more room to move around :). God is so big and I have been so programmed to think and believe a certain way, I'm pretty sure I'll never bust out of all the compartmentalized boxes that I've put God in. But thank God for grace...for my belief in grace. I'm at least glad to be out of some of the constricting boxes that I was in before. I'm glad that I don't have to be the perfect Christian or even anywhere close to it. Because regardless if I am or not, I believe in His perfect love...and I hope that I will never be deprogrammed of that.

Just How Old is the Earth?

2009-07-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

As a Christian and a geologist, I get asked this question a lot by other Christians. Well, I'm definitely not a "flood geologist" (those who believe most of the complex geology we see today was a result of Noah's flood). In fact, I think that train of thought borders on insanity...especially to a secular trained geologist. But, even though I'm not totally sure what I personally beleive on the subject...I can see how one can be a creationist. Here's a theo-scientific theory to ponder.

If one believes the Biblical account that God created Adam and Eve from the dust of the earth, it is interesting to note that God created them “man and woman,” and not as boy and girl or newborns. Why did He do this? Well, first of all, how can newborns take care of themselves? They can’t, so therefore they were created with the appearance of age even though they were in fact actually “young”. Consequently, if you were somehow able to transport the top medical doctors of today back to the day immediately following God’s creation of Adam and Eve and these doctors studied their bodies, they may come to the conclusion based on bone study and physical development that Adam and Eve were approximately 30 years old.

Now, let’s apply this understanding to the topic at hand. If God created man with the appearance of age, why couldn't He have done the same thing with the earth? Well, you might say, that makes a little sense but what about the dinosaurs, fossil fuels, evolution evidence, etc…? Is God trying to fool us? Take a step back and think about Adam and Eve being created with the appearance of age. Do you suppose God was trying to play a cruel trick on those doctors studying their bodies or that maybe He was doing what was in the best interest of Adam and Eve by creating them at an age where they were physically able to care for themselves?

To delve into this question a little deeper, lets ponder God as a being. If, in fact there is a God who created the heavens and the earth, He must be an infinitely superior Being. Taking what we know about the intricacies of the universe, for a Being to be able to create the universe… wow, how can we wrap our understanding around this level of superiority? In this regard, science and God are not in opposition to one another, but rather science is no more than a study of natural laws within which God creates and sustains His creation. Assume for a moment, then, that God created the earth outside of our current concept of time, yet within the confines of natural law. As Adam and Eve were instantly matured 30 years when they were created so the earth was when it was created. Just as Adam and Eve were able to sustain themselves because they were created with physical maturity, we today can be sustained off of fossil fuels that exist because of decomposed carbon-based materials. God couldn't very well put His most important creation on a new planet. As geologists and astronomers know, new planets don’t have evolved atmospheres, are constantly volcanically active, they don’t have evolved fuel sources or sustainable resources. And theologically speaking, all of these things are used by God to reach out to and reveal Himself to His creation (but that’s another discussion).

So, in this theoretical context, God didn’t create the earth with the appearance of age to fool us, but for our own sustainability. The earth is able to sustain life because it was created with "maturity".

Embracing Me, the Sinner.

2009-06-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

Two posts ago I wrote that I'm trying to learn to accept myself, and that part of this includes learning to accept my sin. That phrase can really be upsetting to a lot of Christians. The common teaching in evangelical Christianity is to hate sin. But nowhere in the new testament does it teach this. The closest thing is in Romans 12:9 where Paul instructs us to hate what is evil and cling to what is good. In my opinion, evil and sin are not necessarily synonymous. Evil is something purposely committed that brings pain to yourself or others. In fact, one definition of evil is "that which causes harm or destruction or misfortune." So that begs to question; should we hate sin or rather the consequences of evil (or both)? It was when pondering this question that a light bulb came on yesterday.

This whole freedom to sin idea I've been pondering is such a paradox. I know that in my own life, the freedom to sin has led to a freedom from sin that I hadn't previously experienced. But how can God accept sin?...He is holy. I was always taught in the pentecostal church that my sin disappoints God...and not only that, but that my sin also hurts Him in some way. I still remember a sermon preached years ago by the leader of that pentecostal organization where it was said that every time we sin, we crucify Christ again. With dramatic vigor and charisma, he said that each of our sins is like another hit of the hammer upon the piercing nails. Then he asked if we could "hear His screams." Wow. And I wonder why I'm so messed up when it comes to grace. You see, I just can't accept the fact that I disappoint God...that I'm letting Him down or especially that I'm hurting Him or saddening Him. That tears me up inside. It prevents me from accepting myself...and pushes me towards the insatiable quest to be "better" in the hope of not hurting Him as much. What a miserable existence that was. I'm sad that I ever had that view of God.

But even though I know that God accepts me...sin and all...I couldn't get it through my head that he really accepted the sin part. I was sharing this with a pastor friend of mine and he agreed with me...about it being a paradox. How can God accept me, all of my good part and my bad part, if he hates my bad part? He shared with me a story about a recent trip that he made with his sister, who is gay. She brought along a partner and one evening they met up with a gay couple and went to a gay piano bar. My friend went along for the ride. So here was my (very straight) pastor friend in this gay bar and a guy was playing the piano and everyone was happy and enjoying themselves and belting out show tunes at the top of their lungs. I know, hilarious mental picture, right? He looked over and saw this lesbian couple kissing and he said he just got sick. Everything there, including the people...he was just disgusted and he left the bar. Now we know Jesus would have probably been singing along with them, right? My friend looked at me and said "I think God wants to get me to a place where I can go into that bar, sing show tunes, yet still be saddened by all the sin." I was agreeing with him up until that very last part. That's when the light bulb came on.

As he was telling his story, I couldn't help but substitute my own sins for the sin he was describing in that bar. So when he said the "saddened" part, it cut to my core. My first thought was, "so basically God hangs around me, is nice and smiling to my face, but really He is sad and put off by my sin." And since sin is a part of me, I can't help but feel like I sadden Him, that I disappoint Him. Then I thought about natural law. Though I can't accept that God only loves part of me (my good part), it is easy for me to accept the fact that sin has consequences. Why does that make a difference? Well, recently I have come to truly believe (in my heart not just my head) that the consequences for sin aren't punishment from God, but rather the result of breaking natural law. You cheat on your wife and your marriage and home life will suffer. You over-eat, you suffer health consequences. You're not a good steward of your resources, you end up broke - I could go on but you get the picture. What is it that God hates, then? I think He hates the pain that results from sin, not sin itself. If he hated sin purely for the reason that I disobeyed Him...well, that's not the character of the God I know. Why do I hate that my son runs out into the street when I tell him not to? Not because he disobeyed or defied me (how egotistical is that), but because he could get hurt or killed causing himself and others pain. When he runs into the street, I don't hate his disobedience, I'm not even really disappointed in him for doing it...but I'm upset over what would happen to him if he never learns to stay out of the street. In fact, my greatest emotion would be relief that he's okay...with fear a close second. My fear may cause me to lash out at Him...but that's my human nature...God knows no fear. I love my son so much, I don't want him to get hurt. Nowhere in the story of the prodigal son does it say the father was disappointed in the son for taking his inheritance and wasting it. I believe rather, that the father hates the fact that his son is going to end up hurt and rejected as he wastes his inheritance on lascivious living. The focus is on the son, not the sin.

So back to the story at hand. Why could Jesus hang around sinners and fit in? Why could He have gone into the gay piano bar and not be disgusted? Because he really accepts the people...sin and all. What saddens him? Does the fact that the people are gay make Him sad or angry? I don't think so (tell me...how does a loving, monogamous relationship between two people cause pain or destruction?). I think what saddens Him would be those in that bar who are causing harm to themselves and/or others by being in unhealthy relationships, engaging in promiscuous behavior, etc... (and unhealthy relationships or promiscuity would exist in any bar He walked into...gay or not). Here's my point. I can accept the fact that God hates it when I get hurt or when other's are hurt by my actions...I can't accept the fact that He hates any part of me...including my weaknesses or my "bad" side. After all, I am, like Paul, the worst of sinners. The good news is I don't have to believe or feel that God rejects any part of me. He really does accept me...sin and all. It even makes me feel more loved that He hates it when I get hurt by breaking natural law. Like a best friend, He really does have my back. That is so cool.

Freedom Fighters: An Insurgency to Take Back That Which Christ Died to Give You

2009-06-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

(Another great cartoon by David Hayward http://www.nakedpastor.com/ )

In one of my other notes about Christian leaders and freedom, a friend of mine made this wise observation (and I paraphrase): “I think what happens is that when someone finds freedom from something, they figure out how they got free and then they establish rules to keep them free. Then this person tries to impose their new rules on others so that those others can find the freedom they found. Thus, they end up entrapping their follower(s) by imposing their rules on them. In turn their “freedom” becomes another person’s bondage. As a result you get lots of naive people who think they are free (and proclaim they are free) but actually, they are bound to another man’s interpretation of freedom.” Her statement was so profound that I don’t think I’ve totally grasped it yet. But it speaks a lot towards one of the greatest sicknesses of the church: imposed moralism.

For years (and sometimes even still) the knowledge of God's grace didn't transfer from my head to my heart. I have continually struggled with failure as a result of my inability to live up to my perception of who I should be. That perception has been shaped by society, by church leaders, by family and often by my own interpretation and understanding of the Bible. I have felt this way for years; from shortly after my conversion, to my time as a foreign missionary up until my days as an assistant pastor (and sometimes even now as a pew warmer). Since I often define myself by how I think others view me, I tried to hold up a facade of holiness and success despite my feelings of failure and condemnation. I knew God forgave me, but to me, my continual failings were the sign of a dark heart...and I always lived with a fear that I didn't really love God and wasn't a true believer.

THE CHRISTIAN "STRUGGLE"

Through the years I have learned a lot about struggling with sin and being controlled by it. Romans 6:14 says that “sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but grace.” Well, most of us who feel like we are slaves to sin have learned that verse. Lots of times when I would go to confess my sin to a leader, they would quote that verse to me. And I would think “thanks a lot, I know that, but I still sin…it still has power over me.” What I didn’t know and what those leaders either didn’t know or failed to share with me, was that sin possesses no real power in and of itself...unless I grant it power. And I don't give sin power to control me by acutally doing it, I give it power by believing it condemns me.

Condemnation is really sneaky and is rampant in Christ's church. Paul also wrote to the Romans, “we died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?” In the past, I interpreted this verse negatively. I saw it as a real question posed by God to me…His question went something like, “You say you're a Christian. Then how are you continuing to sin? Real Christians don’t continue to sin.” That condemnation was tearing me up. I had to deal with it. What I ended up doing, through counsel and prayer, is examining my understanding of sin. One definition of sin is doing something that you believe is wrong (Rom 14:23, Rom 7:7-8). What we come to believe is wrong may be due to our understanding of Scripture, societal influences, our conscience, etc… Someone, whether Christian or not, who continually does what he/she truly believes is wrong violates their own conscience. It will eat away at them. However, if they are convinced that what they are doing is right or atleast that it is permissible (i.e. that they are free to do it), their conscience is relieved...and the sin loses it's power over them. Freedom to enjoy a glass of wine, for instance, can bring enjoyment and relief to a person. But if that person believes they are sinning, or especially if they think they may be disappointing God, that glass of wine can be incredibly destructive.

THE BURDENSOME CHURCH

Most churches I've been to just don't get this, or atleast they don't preach it for some reason. When it comes to the law vs. grace thing, here’s what I believe was the gist of Paul’s argument: As a Christian, your interpretation of God’s commands (by the Holy Spirit) will guide you towards a moral code and as you learn to accept that spiritual moral code you will stop doing things that you have come to accept as wrong. If you don’t, misery will become your best friend. Here's where we encounter a problem in the church. Charismatic Christian leaders are so good at telling people what is right and wrong and churning out propaganda from the pulpit that they overpower and/or replace the voice of the Holy Spirit in people’s lives. As a result, people become convinced that what they do, how they think, or what they feel is wrong...regardless if it actually is or not. Pastors, evangelists, and the next guy down the pew are heaping convictions and burdens on top of their fellow Christians...ones that God never intended them to carry. As a result, they are miserable, lacking joy and finding it tougher and tougher to do that really important Christian duty: to love.

Paul dealt with this, but came at it from a different angle. He said in his letter to the Romans, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.” Whoh! Crazy, right? He said that if he did what he did not want to do (i.e. sin) he agrees that the law is good (i.e. that the law is preferable to the work of Christ). The same man who wrote that sin is not our master is here ascribing some sort of masterful power to sin…or is he? Rather than sin possessing power, I think he is saying that he gives sin life (power) by believing what he is doing is wrong ( i.e. being condemned by doing what he does "not want to do"). Not only does he believe that what he is doing is wrong...but he hates what he is doing. A sin is powerless, but hate on the other hand...hate is indeed a powerful thing. So if you tell yourself that you can love the sinner and hate the sin...be careful, you're probably fooling yourself. Hating what a person does will rub off and you'll soon end up hating more than just their (or your) actions. Paul hated what he was doing...I would guess this probably led to shame and condemnation, which is what was giving the sin power in his life.

Let's relate this to another of Paul’s statements on sin and grace; “we died to sin.” When we were born again, grace became the new rule for our lives. The fact is, even when we sin and do those things we believe are wrong…God does not condemn us. This is the meaning of the phrase "Christ is made strong in our weakness." Sin lost it's power because Christ overcame sin's power on the cross. Even though according to natural law there are temporal consequences for sin, as believers, there are no eternal consequences for sinning (e.g. separation from God). And the cool thing is, for the God-seeker, the freedom to sin will lead to the freedom from sin. Freedom leads to obedience...not the other way around.

STAY FREE

So, what am I saying? When Christians go around imposing their convictions and morals on other people they become freedom stealers. They think they are doing right by telling others what is right; “Don’t watch that, don’t say this, vote this way, listen to this music, don’t look at that, pray this amount of time, etc….” The people who take these instructions to heart, and find they can’t live up to those standards, end up hurt, miserable and angry. One of two things needs to happen. Either the Christian church needs to stop imposing unrealistic burdens on the people or the people have got to learn not to pick up those burdens. And since I can't do much about what the church is doing, I'll just try to figure out what I truly believe, trust God, and live my life according to my own convictions...not someone else's. Peace, brothers.

Lost

2009-05-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in an earlier post that I’m lost. That’s pretty much true…although not in the traditional evangelical sense of the word. I feel like I'm losing and finding an identity all at the same time. All this freedom and questioning has taken me down roads that I had continually passed over and over again as I went back and forth from “home” to some spiritual/religious destination. Does that make any sense? I was so focused on getting to where I was going that I was passing some really interesting stuff along the way. Now, I feel like I decided to take a side road, to explore, and along the way I've gotten lost.

Let me try and explain it a little differently. For years I found direction and an identity in the ministry. I thought it was a God-given identity. And maybe it was, I don't know. My sins, especially the “bad” ones, were an enemy to that identity, and I hated my sin because of it. And I ended up hating myself for sinning. Evangelicals love to say “hate the sin, love the sinner.” But the problem is that our brains just aren’t that simple…I think they have a hard time separating the person from the action. Think about it…how often in society do we define ourselves and others by what we/they do? So when I started finding the freedom to be myself and accept myself, in a way, I started trying to embrace my sin. That's hard. Damn hard for a spiritual perfectionist like me.

I visited a church a while back. It was very emergent in a lot of ways. To start off worship, they put up a picture of a man, alone, kneeling in the desert. They asked everyone to reflect on that picture and to find themselves in it. I immediately found myself in that desert. I know this sounds all touchy-feely and pentecostely, but it was like a little sign from God that He knew where I was and that it was cool with Him. I mean, I know God knows where I am, but it’s nice when I feel like He knows.

I was talking to a pastor friend of mine earlier this week about this. I've felt like I've been wandering ever since I decided to leave the bounds of my former church. It's a little scary to wander if you focus on where you actually are...lost. You don't know where to turn to get to where you want to go. Eventually you just want to get somewhere, anywhere...you want to feel secure. I told him that I have no direction right now, except to love my family and to work. And as I wander, my ambition is draining. He offered me a different perspective, a positive and refreshing one. He reminded me that right now I have no worries except those closest to me, and that I am totally dependent on some exterior force of fate (God) to get me where I’m going. And I stopped and thought…and then the parable of the lost sheep popped into my head. When the Shepherd realized that one sheep was missing, he left the others to go find him. It wasn’t the lost sheep's responsibility to get found, it was up to the Shepherd to find him.

Pastor "Appreciation"

2009-05-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

Here's another cartoon from Pastor David Hayward. Gotta say that I've seen this type of pastor "appreciation" in lots of evangelical circles. In fact, a few years ago, I was one of the sign holders. Here's his commentary and a link to his blog:

"No, there aren’t actual placards out there. It’s hardly ever overt, although sometimes it is. But leaders can crave this kind of fanfare, this kind of adulation. And just as critical is that many people need someone to adore. The more popular their leader, the more they feel better about themselves. It’s codependence, but with a different kind of addiction."

http://www.nakedpastor.com/

Organic Church

2009-05-07T06:44:00.000-07:00

From http://www.nakedpastor.com/. This pastor, David Hayward, summed up my ideology for the Christian church in his "10 Survival Tips". Check it out and let me know what you think.

"I think all religious communities, like our earth, are on a collision course with their demise. And it’s our own fault, not the 'world’s'. I’ve been mulling some thoughts around. If we are going to survive into the future, our communities need to:

1. get and stay small (like the best farms);

2. be autonomous but accountable to other communities (like tribes);

3. be indigenous in expression (local creativity and freedom of expression);

4. see love as the new hermeneutic of our books (instead of obedience, justification, salvation, etc.);

5. reject even the subtlest forms of coercion (no imposed agendas);

6. abandon visionary thinking (love without the oppression of expectations);

7. cultivate thinkers who explore the reconciliation of all things (global intelligence);

8. commit to long-term or even life-long oversight (relationship);

9. build an attitude of resistance to success-story thinking (anti-pop);

10. engage all sciences, religions and philosophies with an open, compassionate and humble mind (dialogue).

And that’s just the beginning."

I know that my re-posting this is largely a substitute for originality, but I've never claimed to be original. David summed up my ideology for the church better than I could myself. Plus, his website says I could use this if I bought him a beer...so I did...from a couple thousand miles away.

Now my commentary. Let me start by stating that I know that my response is largely reactionary to the megachurch movement, but it is just how I feel...and since it's my blog, I can go there, lol. I agree with all of David's points but I most agree with #6 (that's why I just highlighted the whole thing!). Visionary thinking and it's consequences. The evangelical church loves to have programs and vision statements and develop short or long term goals. Like grow to 5,000 members, pay off the mortgage in 10 years, see a hundred people make decisions for Christ, send 10 missions groups out, have 50 small groups by 2010, I could go on. Even though on the surface these agendas appear positive, can I just call this out for what it is? Capitalist ideas based on worldly principles of success (instead of this last sentence, I had originally written "crap" here...but figured I might piss too many folks off with that...so I changed it to "capitalist ideas...", ...but then I decided to call it "crap" anyways because it's my blog ;) ). It makes me nauseous. Why?, because, like capitalism often does, it tramples the weak, the broken, and the hurting on it's way to the top. It shoves them aside at the expense of the vision...even if helping the poor or needy is the vision. Although capitalism is great for making people rich and comfortable (or making churches big and powerful), it's really bad for building a positive image of our Savior. In the process of achieving the vision, people become part of a goal...and if they don't help reach that goal (and I know I'm getting into #5 on David's list, too) they become expendable. Oh, not literally...because we "love" them, right...but they are in all practicality...excluded. We make converts, bring them into the fold, then heap unrealistic expectations of holiness, success, witness and other burdens that Jesus NEVER intended us to carry. We make them twice as much the sons of hell as ourselves...robbing them of freedom and creating inner struggles that destroy.

So what's my suggestion for an alternative? Refer back to the list above :) Basically, churches that are small, autonomous, mutually accountable, indigenous, loving, thinking, open-minded...that reject ALL forms of coercion and visionary thinking, and focus on mentoring relationships that are based on friendship rather than leadership. I know, I know...I have just written a mission statement, right? I am quite aware of my hypocrisy...just to let you know I am often self-righteous towards the self-righteous and I pass judgement on the judgemental, too. But, it's my blog (have I mentioned that) ;) ? But, in an attempt to avoid hypocrisy let me say this; all that stuff in the list is not a goal/vision but a guide...something to keep us in check so that we avoid the pitfalls of our own prideful, hidden agendas...the one's that are buried deep inside...underneath our good intentions.

A Little Background...

2009-05-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

To be as fascinated by God and theology as I am today is a little surprising considering my upbringing. We went to First Baptist...about three times a year. Maybe more when I was younger...but considerably less as I grew older. We were typical CME Christians (Christmas, Mother's Day, and Easter). I actually can't remember the name of Jesus ever being invoked in my childhood home...in prayer or otherwise. But I do remember attending vacation bible school nearly every summer. I guess that was just enough for me to grasp the idea that there was a God and that He was quite disappointed in me. I can remember feeling massive shame and guilt as a young preteen because of my sin. My first fascination was definitely with sin...not God.

The first real conversion experience that I can remember having was in 10th grade. A classmate of mine, Angela, invited me to see a play at her church. Well it ended up being a "destination" play. You know...it presents several storylines and situations where people die and either are welcomed into Jesus' arms in splendor... or are dragged by guys in black leotards and masks off stage into the pit of hell. It was the perfect combination of shame and fear...I was ripe for the picking.

It was a short lived conversion. Maybe a year to 18 months. It turned out that I just couldn't stop sinning...and since I was continuing to sin, I figured that I must not really love God (at least that's what John -the apostle, not the baptist- said via King James ;-) ). So, I had had enough of the church stuff, and the fear of being dragged into hell had retreated into my subconscious. Accordingly, I "backslid"...and I did so very well, I might add. By the end of my freshman year in college, I was a full-blown agnostic. It was the second conversion experience that really "took". A talk about that one...and its consequences will no doubt permeate this blog.

Getting Started

2009-05-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

In response to the ridiculous, exponential growth of blogs that are full of people's biased and opinionated ideas...I have added one more.

I'm pretty much fascinated by God, spirituality, sexuality, and how it intersects with science, life, and myself. I'm by no means a professional writer and have no real training. However, I try to use spellcheck and put some thought into my writing...which probably means if you are a truly talented writer or professionally trained you will be annoyed by things that I think are clever. Oh well. I would say that I don't care...but as I'm sure will become painfully obvious throughout this blog... I care much too much about what other people think of me. Yes, I take myself too seriously (most of the time).

I don't know why I'm so fascinated by God. I'm fascinated by God to the point that people who aren't fascinated by God fascinate me. I mean how do you just ignore the subject of God? But some people really seem to care less about God...well-adjusted people that is. I've come to notice that most people with severe mental problems think about God a lot...who God is, what God is, what they need to do to please God, why God hates them, etc... I recently went to see "The Soloist" and was reminded of this fact. In the movie, Jamie Foxx plays a schizophrenic musician who begins to lose his mind while attending Julliard. In his psychotic ramblings, Foxx's character often refers to God, even declaring his new friend (played by Robert Downey, Jr.) to be God. This reminds me of how close I may be to walking the streets of LA rambling on about God and Beethoven. The only thing is I really have no talent...well at least not a marketable one like Jamie Foxx's character. I doubt I would fare as well as he did at being a crazy.

In future blog postings I'll talk a bit about my quasi-religious upbringing, those dubious college years, my pentecostal experience, and eventually how I got to where I am now...lost. If you happen to be as religious as I once was, please don't assume too much by my use of the word "lost," though...or maybe you should....